Image courtesy of Joshua Ness via Unsplash.
Isolation has been a major theme for 2020. I’ve been seeing it manifest in many, many ways, and it seems to be intensifying as the year progresses.
I see extroverts feeling abandoned by their cautious friends.
I hear doctors and healers say they feel like they’re shouting into a hurricane as they try to provide helpful insights for staying healthy over the torrent of COVID fear.
There is the more obvious way that isolation has been a theme—our response to COVID-19. In an attempt to staunch the spread of this virus, we have placed a variety of barriers between people. There’s the barrier of masks, the barrier of distance—working from home, “social distancing” protocols—the barrier of screens as we conduct nearly all meetings through video, the barrier of plexiglass that now appears in every store, coffee shop, and restaurant.
Our general culture has become afraid of contact with their neighbors. Believe it or not, this was a growing issue for Americans long before 2020 struck. In recent decades, with increased awareness (and fear) of unwanted touch, increased demands for personal space, and a consistent leaning toward more litigious actions, we have become increasingly connection starved. The more potentially intimate the contact, the more we hesitate.
This would be fine and dandy if our physiology wasn’t built to rely on connection to survive. Several of our hormones are designed to reward us for making contact (physical or emotional) with other humans.
Health does not exist in isolation. Health exists in connection.
Being part of a community produces serotonin, which helps us feel more at ease. Giving and receiving connection (most potently in the form of physical touch and eye contact) releases oxytocin, which not only helps you feel connected but literally helps your brain make connections.
Neuroscience sidebar (because this is super cool and I can’t resist): Because of oxytocin’s universal ability to create connections, some people have even started referring to it as “the god hormone.” This is our current theory for how oxytocin works: on a chemical level, it creates connections between neurons. That explains why we’re designed to get such huge surges of it during intimate contact—or brains are literally making connections that allow us to accommodate the relationship with the person we’re making contact with.
Oxytocin is present in many situations that aren’t pleasurable too. It turns out that we also produce some oxytocin in intense, high-stress situations, presumably for the same connection-making function, so we can learn how to adapt to those situations. It seems that oxytocin amplifies the strength of any social memory (positive or negative). This could explain some of the draw that people can have to scary movies, daredevil stunts, or abusive relationships.
On top of the dose of feel-good hormones we get from connection, our human habits (kissing, touching, hugging, hand shaking) intentionally expose us to the microbiome of other people. Our immune systems rely on that exposure to other viruses, bacteria, and fungi in order to function properly—and they can fail to develop without those exposures (see the hygiene hypothesis).
How to restore connection.
Make the most of the people in your bubble.
Touch each other.
For some reason, that inherently sounds dirty, but that’s not necessarily what I mean. Although, I pass no judgements on this choice.
Sex is a healthy part of the adult human experience for a huge variety of reasons, many of which have absolutely nothing to do with procreation. Recent surveys have shown that a lot of single adults are turning to previously platonic relationships (mostly roommates) for physical intimacy during the pandemic.
Non-sexual touch is extremely important too. Make an effort to make physical contact with the people in your bubble. Pat them on the back, rest a hand on their shoulder, offer a massage (platonic or not), sit close enough that your arms, legs, or backs touch while you’re watching TV.
You get the most potent oxytocin hits from contact with the head, chest, upper back, pelvis, and inner thigh. (Yes, I realize that some of those fall into intimate zones—make sure to get consent before proceeding.)
Talk to each other.
Share the highs and the lows. There are a lot of bottled up emotions right now. Leaving space to express them is crucial to mental health.
Have household dinners more often. Use this as an opportunity to get to know the people you share your home with (humans change a lot more over time than you would think). Asking good questions and sharing genuine answers will give you a fire hose of happy hormones—dopamine from learning new things about your family, serotonin from the respect of your family members asking questions and allowing you to share, and oxytocin from eye contact and sharing of personal information.
Not sure how to spark stimulating (read: non-boring, non-repetitive) conversation over the dinner table? I’ve got you covered. Try these with different members of your family (or social bubble) to prompt genuine, connection-building conversation.
Laugh and play games together.
Intentionally leave time to play games, watch funny movies, and tell funny stories.
I especially recommend playing games with an element of cooperation. This can be anything from card games like Hearts, and guessing games like Pictionary or Charades to cooperative video games.
This may be the perfect opportunity to see what it’s like to play Dungeons and Dragons (I don’t care who you are, I know that curiosity has crossed your mind at least once in your life).
Replicate public social interaction as much as possible.
Make eye contact with people that you pass by.
If you go for a walk or make a trip to the store, make an effort to make eye contact and smile at people that you pass. Yes, I realize that everyone’s wearing a mask. If you’re genuinely smiling it’ll show in your eyes and will usually be reciprocated (in fact Tyra Banks, in a stroke of genius, coined the term “smize” in an effort to explain this phenomenon to models). Smiles are contagious. Both parties will get a hit of happy hormones (including oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine) from a genuine, happy interaction with another human.
Do more non-work video calls.
I know, Zoom fatigue is a real thing. I feel it too. What I wouldn’t give to have some face to face coffee meetings, in-person networking events, and dinner dates with friends again. The last thing I want to do more of is sit at my desk and stare at my computer.
BUT. Eye contact through video calls can produce about 80% of the oxytocin that in-person interactions do. It’s not perfect, but right now it’s what we’ve got.
Reach out to a random person who you haven’t talked to recently.
This one is easiest through text or DM. Don’t just peruse their Instagram feed and consider that catching up—that’s cheating and doesn’t really give you the happy hormone kick we’re looking for here.
Here’s a simple, low-pressure script for those of you who are not practiced in the cold call.
“Hi (insert name),
You crossed my mind today and I realized that it’s been a while since we’ve caught up. How’s life? (Optional: Insert more personal anecdote or question here.)
There’s no rush to reply.”
Some will reply; others won’t. This is so simple and non-intrusive that it has very little impact if they’re not interested, but can open up a wonderful conversation if they are. You can really ride the social train and set up a zoom call to catch up. Both of you can grab a coffee or your favorite cocktail and simulate a happy hour meet-up.
Don’t forget: connection with yourself counts too.
It is a very common theme today that people are so distracted by the outside world that they forget to check in with themselves.
But this is just as vital as connecting with others. Take time to meditate, journal, or deep breathe to ensure you’re present in your body, able to experience your emotions, and truly understand how you’re doing.
Isolation might have been 2020’s theme, but we can limit its impact on 2021. Make those connections and score that serotonin hit for yourself and others.