Photo courtesy of Katie Barrett via Unsplash
(Dr. Tom) How Do You Learn to Relax?
Recently a friend with a brand new business asked me “How did you learn to relax on your days off?”
Most business owners are wildly familiar with this sensation, of being exhausted but unable to relax, of knowing that you need a day off but being unable to pull your brain away from work. This is a work in progress for me, as it is for many business owners and entrepreneurs. As such, I called in my business coach to help me answer this question.
What you’re about to read is what happens when a doctor with a neuroscience background and a business coach who specializes in solo-preneurs decide to collaborate. It’s nerdy, thorough, and contains some explicit content.
Enter the business coach...
(Amy) Let’s Talk About Rituals
We all know that taking care of ourselves is important. The quality of our health, our relationships, and ultimately our work depends on it. As business owners, it might feel like we never transition out of work mode because WE are the business! This is more difficult if we work from home where the visual and physical separation of work and home is overtly blurred.
So, how do we do it? First, marking a clear transition from work to home and home to work is important. This is done best through rituals or routines. When we think of rituals, often we think of weddings, funerals, or religious ceremonies. But, think about something smaller, like the pattern of adjustments a baseball player goes through before taking a swing or the phrases a professional speaker tells herself before going on stage. These are “triggers” that help the brain transition into what will come next.
One of the greatest things you can do is mark the start and end of each workday with a routine. For me, it was getting a desk that is housed inside an armoire so that I can physically open and close the doors at the start and end of each day. Before I had this desk, the kitchen table was my “desk” and the constant reminder of work was mentally difficult. This new physical change helps me to have a trigger for my brain to separate from work and focus my attention elsewhere.
If you don’t have a door to close, what else can you do? Think about a physical action you can do each day or words you can speak out loud to yourself as you transition. I once knew a man who would stand outside his home door and stomp his feet and shake his whole body to signify that he would not carry “outside work” into his home. Whatever the ritual is, pick it and stick with it.
(Dr. Tom) The Neuroscience of Rituals
Human brains love patterns. They crave structures and certainty. Rituals work because they provide your brain with context clues. They tell you, on a subconscious level, what functions you’re supposed to be performing at what times. The more consistent you are with them, the more efficient and effective your brain and body will be at using them.
For example, if you wake up at the same time every day your body will predictively release cortisol just before your usual wake time to help you feel alert and engaged around that time every day. If you eat breakfast at the same time, your body will predictably release digestive enzymes around that time to make the process go smoother. If you close the doors on your work space to signal the end of your work day every day, then your brain will accept that as a cue that it’s time to switch modes and begin your wind-down and recovery processes.
For this scenario, I recommend setting yourself up from the start with a distinctly different work-day morning routine and off-day morning routine. Maybe shower at a different time, drink your coffee in a different chair, make your bed or do morning yoga only on your work days, then watch Netflix on your off mornings. Set your brain up to be in work mode or off mode from the get-go.
The more consistent you can make those rituals and cues throughout your day the more efficiently they will work on you.
(Amy) Wrapping Up Your Day, So You Can Let Go of Work.
For many of us, shutting off at the end of the day is difficult because our minds are full of all the things we didn’t get done or the long to-do list we will face in the morning. If this is a constant feeling, make sure you have clearly defined your goals for the day. If we don’t identify specific tasks or goals, hours can go by without much feeling of accomplishment, even though we are busy!
At the start of each day, split your tasks into “must-dos” and “nice to haves” based on your goals. It will help you stay focused and give you the ability to see progress as the day goes on.
The other piece that helps me is to talk to myself throughout the day (yes, even out loud if needed). I tell myself what time it is, how much I have accomplished, and what things I need to focus on. After lunch it switches from, “what is on the list for today?” to “what else is critical to get done before the end of the day”. The last hour is especially important. Starting about 30-60 minutes before the “end” of the work day, I specifically pick the last tasks to accomplish and then I make a few notes for the following day. When those things are done, I tell myself that I am done for the day. I close the doors to my “office”. Then, I choose to be done. Really, really done.
Later in the evening, if I find myself still processing something or coming up with ideas for a project I was working on, I will take a few notes and set them on top of my computer for tomorrow. I tell myself that I won’t forget anything and it’s okay to go back to “home” mode!
(Tom) What to do When Writing it Out Doesn’t Work
What about those times when writing it out isn’t enough to let it go? What about that time when writing it out brings structure to something that still freaks you out?
Here’s what to do with the idea once you’ve written it down:
Decide whether to keep it or let it go.
Ask yourself these 3 questions:
1- Is this something I have direct control over?
Hint: you only have direct control over your own actions and responses. Other people’s thoughts, actions, and feelings are NOT under your direct control.
2- Is this something that I actually need to do / think about?
(as opposed to something you do strictly out of habit or social pressure, or that someone else can do)
3- Does this align with my priorities?
This requires you to have determined your values and priorities, which is beyond the scope of this piece. For more on identifying your values and priorities I recommend checking out Find your Why by Simon Sinek.
If you answered yes to all 3 of those questions, then…
Keep it.
Put the piece of paper near your work space to be added to your to-to list tomorrow, as Amy suggested.
DO NOT turn on your work device (phone, tablet, or computer) to enter or schedule it right then. That’s like saying you’re going to check one story on instagram or eat just one oreo. It’s nice in theory, but preposterous in real life.
Before you know it you’ll have checked your email, moved five things on your calendar, remembered 20 more things to put on your to-do list, spent 30 minutes on Instagram, eaten half a sleeve of oreos, and have a wicked craving for a glass of milk. Not to mention the fact that you’ve now re-engaged your work brain and have all of your wheels spinning at full speed again. #counterproductive
But I digress...
If you answered no to any of the previous questions then…
Chuck it in the F##k-it Bucket!
(Yes there are more delicate ways to say that, but this way is much more memorable.)
This is an example of a releasing ritual. I recommend having an actual small metal bucket (that’ll be important for a later step) separate from your usual trash can. Label it (assuming there are no small kids around), bedazzle it if that’s your thing, put it in a place where you will see it, and use it as often as possible.
Another wildly satisfying example of a releasing ritual is burning. Burning rituals are present in many cultures and healing traditions, and I think it’s time they make a comeback.
To follow through on our example, take the contents of your F##k-it Bucket and toss a match in it. (This next part is going to get a little woo-woo for those of you who are super skeptics, but I promise it helps.)
Allow yourself to visualize the fire dissolving your attachment to that idea and releasing it into the ether / the universe / god’s hands, then take a deep slow breath without the weight of those burdens on your shoulders.
If you’re new to these kinds of routines and rituals, they can feel a little weird. They can take a little while to really change your world. Remember, repetition will form these actions into habits, which will feel much less weird to maintain and have a much greater impact on your daily life.
(Amy) This is never going to be perfect. And that’s OK.
The truth is, all of this is hard. Routines make it easier, but sometimes there are projects or seasons that will demand more from us as business owners. Be patient and forgiving with yourself in these seasons.
It may be that we do “routine” well 50, 60 or 80 percent of the time. Whatever your number, celebrate! We are not looking for perfection here. We are looking for tools to get better at separating ourselves from our work and looking for ways to take care of ourselves emotionally - this is a lifelong journey. It isn’t worth beating yourself up over not getting that last email written or needing to spend some time jotting notes after dinner for an upcoming presentation.
Just do it and move on.
This week, try to schedule time with family or friends. Be present. Make yourself watch a movie, and choose not to feel guilty.
The moments you take to recharge will help you be more productive when it is time to work. Stay mindful of the bigger picture.
So, how do you relax on your day off? Find the tools and routines that work for you. Choose to relax. Most importantly, pat yourself on the back for asking the question because it is the first step to getting there!
About my Collaborator
Amy Bogott is a small business coach who helps solo-preneurs and small business owners set smart goals, streamline processes, and work smarter so they can accomplish more in their business. You can learn more and connect with her at amylynnecoaching.com.