Image courtesy of Tyler Nix via Unsplash.
Have you ever started a project only to realize that it’s exponentially bigger and more complicated than you anticipated? Well that’s what’s happened to me with this topic.
Oxytocin is known by most as “the love hormone” or “the cuddle chemical.” It turns out that these descriptions are simplified to the point of no longer being correct. (Have you noticed how that happens a lot in health science?)
Oxytocin is one of the many chemicals that function as both a hormone and a neurotransmitter. It has a few known functions in the peripheral body, several unknown functions (it’s been found in the retina, heart, pancreas, thymus and adrenal glands, but we don’t know what it does in those organs), and an extremely complex series of functions in the brain.
A Quick History Lesson on Oxytocin
Oxytocin was first identified in 1906 as a hormone secreted by the pituitary gland that causes contractions of the uterus. It was for this first-known function that it was named oxytocin, from the Greek words that mean “quick birth.” (Doesn’t sound as romantic when you realize what it’s named for, does it?) In 1910, its function in releasing milk during breast feeding was discovered, and in 1952, it became the first peptide hormone to be sequenced and synthesized in a lab—which is now the drug given to pregnant women to induce contractions.
In the early 1990s, we began to learn about the behavioral effects of oxytocin when researchers studied why breastfeeding women seemed especially calm and content. It was the extension of this research, and the subsequent discoveries of oxytocin’s role as a neurotransmitter, that led it to being popularly labeled “the love hormone” and “the cuddle chemical” in the early 2000s. This basic understanding of oxytocin told us that oxytocin was not only a hormone used to facilitate birth and breast-feeding, but was also an important neurotransmitter involved in bonding.
It’s only within the last 10 years or so that we’ve been able to study oxytocin in more nuanced ways to reveal not only how it facilitates bonding, but also to understand some of its darker characteristics.
Our Current Understanding of Oxytocin, the “Love Hormone”
Oxytocin is not just a hormone that causes us to fall in love and bond with a partner or child. Its functions in the brain seem to be as a social connection enhancer, a driving factor behind in-group bonding. Those factors can be both positive and negative: Oxytocin supports feelings of trust, generosity, empathy, and openness that contribute to the formation of nations, tribes, family units, romantic bonds, and parent-child relationships. But it can also drive ethnocentrism, xenophobia, envy, and aggression toward non-group members.
Oxytocin does this by stimulating the creation of new synaptic connections. This literally makes room in your habits, processes, and thought patterns for the person or group that initiates the oxytocin release. During social interactions oxytocin will also amplify the signals focussed on the social exchange and inhibit signals that are not related to it. If you don’t have enough, it can be very difficult to focus on social interactions.
Oxytocin also increases the impact of emotionally heightened events that have social relevance. It will amplify the memory of your first kiss (a demonstration of positive social interaction), but will also intensify the memory of a mugging (a very negative social interaction).
Differences Between the Sexes
Here’s the real kicker: Oxytocin has significantly different effects in men and women. The behavioral and hormonal implications of oxytocin are different between the sexes, especially as it relates to sex hormones and stress levels—and we don’t yet have research on the nuances and differentials for transgender people.
Regardless, these nuances MUST be considered any time you’re trying to affect your own levels of oxytocin.
The most practical difference that you will notice when boosting oxytocin is that a large surge of it will often leave a woman feeling charged (wanting to be attentive to social bonds in the form of care-giving, cuddling, etc.) and leave men feeling sleepy or drained.
In women, oxytocin surges in huge amounts during (and building up to) orgasms, child-birth, and breast-feeding. In the latter two examples, it serves an important role in the processes themselves (contracting the uterus during childbirth and releasing milk during breast-feeding) and in the emotional impact it has on the mother (to bond with her child).
Oxytocin also plays an integral and nuanced role in regulating estrogen and progesterone levels. In fact, most of the behaviors that I’m about to discuss for increasing oxytocin will also increase levels of estrogen and/or progesterone. For women, high levels of all three of these hormones are associated with decreased levels of cortisol and decreased overall stress levels.
That is NOT the case for men. High levels of estrogen, progesterone, and oxytocin will increase levels of cortisol in men and, therefore, increase feelings of stress. The combination surge of those four hormones will cause men to feel very emotional, to act moody, and (often) to act overly aggressive.
This is not to say that men shouldn’t perform bonding activities that produce oxytocin, estrogen, and progesterone. It is to say that men need to be aware enough to balance those bonding behaviors with testosterone-producing behaviors that drive down cortisol levels. Women require this balance too, but overdoing the oxytocin behaviors won’t produce the same stress response in women that it does in men.
One last caveat: Oxytocin has a half life of only 3 minutes. It acts quickly but not for very long. This makes the ability to make, store, and efficiently use it especially important. It doesn’t have long to do what it needs to do.
When and How to Use Love Hormone Oxytocin
So, let’s get down to the good stuff: What are the practical applicable things you can do to understand and influence your own oxytocin levels (shy of giving birth to a baby)?
First you need to understand when you’d want to do these things.
What does it feel like when oxytocin is low?
In its more potent form, oxytocin deficiency can feel like social isolation. Remember, humans are social creatures. Prior to the last couple thousand years or so, isolation from the tribe could mean almost certain death. This can have a profound mental-emotional impact.
In less extreme forms, it can simply feel like lack of trust or connection with the people around you. This can be difficulty keeping eye contact, missing or misinterpreting social cues, or having difficulty focussing on social interactions. It can also feel like lack of ability to trust.
In women, low oxytocin presents in a greater variety of ways, including hormonal dysregulation (especially of sex hormones), inability to orgasm, and difficulty breast feeding if you have a newborn.
You may want to employ oxytocin boosting behaviors if you’re trying to do any of the following:
Form a new romantic relationship
Increase feelings of trust with someone, or with yourself (lack of self trust is a BIG sign that you could use some more oxytocin in your life)
Bond with your child
Increase your ability to read and relate to other people
What does it feel like when oxytocin is high?
In its most common presentation, high oxytocin levels feel like a deep emotional connection with a person or group. It will feel like trust that you’re able to rely on those people (or animals) to do certain things. It will usually feel like safety and security with a certain person or group.
That high feeling you get for the first 6 months of a romantic relationship is the result of oxytocin teaming up with dopamine to make room in your brain for connections to that person (hence the “love hormone” moniker).
Remember, this is not always fluffy, pink, Valentine’s Day bonding, though. If oxytocin is too high (especially in men), it can be responsible for feelings of defensiveness and high levels of aggression, especially toward non-group members. If it surges with cortisol during a socially traumatic event, it can contribute to the formation of deeply held traumatic memories.
How can I make more oxytocin? Love hormone boosting behaviors
Make sure you have the building blocks.
For oxytocin, the building blocks are mostly about protein. Aim to consume at least 1 gram of protein per 2 pounds of body weight per day (more if you’re recovering from an injury or have a vigorous workout routine). Ordinarily I would give specific proteins to watch out for, but in this case we’re dealing with a more complex molecule that includes eight different amino acids in its structure.
Usually, showing you the chemical model for something isn’t helpful (I understand how to read them and still don’t usually find them useful), but in this case it helps to illustrate that oxytocin is one complicated molecule.
This is oxytocin.
This is serotonin.
This is dopamine.
See? Oxytocin is much more complex!
Oxytocin production also needs sufficient vitamin C (at least 75-90mg per day), magnesium (310-420mg per day), and cholesterol in your blood (both magnesium and cholesterol are required to make and use the receptor), so keep an eye on those levels if you’re looking to boost your “love hormone.”
Self-driven behaviors to increase your ability to make and use oxytocin.
Be trustworthy. Honor your commitments to both yourself and other people. Create reasons why you can be trusted and make it a point to note to yourself that you have honored your commitments.
Forgive a grudge. Holding a grudge tanks your oxytocin and does a pretty good job of increasing your cortisol. Letting go of old grudges is a great way to allow your oxytocin pathways to recover. Remember, forgiveness is about you, not about the person you’re forgiving.
Take note of positive social interactions. Every time you feel a positive reaction with a person, animal, digital relationship, or group of people, pause and remind yourself “I’m creating this feeling.” Acknowledging that you are creating it gives it a chance to grow.
Take a warm shower or bath. Being warm stimulates oxytocin production. It’s a quick and easy way to give yourself a head start without a disciplined mental practice. Bonus points if it’s an epsom salt bath—the magnesium in the epsom salts will help your oxytocin receptors function.
Get some body work. Massage, acupuncture, and chiropractic work can all increase oxytocin production very effectively. Self-massage can also work, especially if you’re working on self-trust.
Habits for building the oxytocin bond with others.
Make physical contact. This can be sexual or non-sexual touch. Generally speaking, the more physical contact the more oxytocin gets released. More potent hits of oxytocin will come from touch to the head, stomach, nipples, genitals, pelvis, and inner thighs, as these are usually places that require more trust for us to allow someone to touch them.
If you’re using touch to connect in a non-romantic way, a handshake or pat on the back are enough to get a little bit of oxytocin flowing. A hug will produce a little more.
Make eye contact. This is one of the best non-touch ways to form an oxytocin bond with someone. If you struggle with maintaining eye contact, it can be tough to do without feeling creepy, so remember this general rule—maintain eye contact for about 50% of the time when speaking and about 70% of the time when listening. Aim for about 4-6 seconds of eye contact per glance.
Give them your undivided attention. Undivided attention (AKA sans cell phone, computer, tablet, TV, galavanting children, barking dogs, etc.) is a huge commodity in modern times. Giving someone your full attention, especially when they are discussing something that’s important or emotional to them, will provide a big boost of oxytocin.
Feeling isolated right now, and need even more tips? Read my thoughts on how to beat social isolation, especially in the time of a pandemic.